3.28.11
“First He brought me here, it is by His will that I am in this strait place: in that fact I will REST.
Next, He will keep me here in His love, and give me grace to behave as His child.
Then, He will make the trial a blessing, teaching me the lessons He intends me to learn, and working in me the grace He means to bestow.
Last, in His good time He can bring me out again—how and when He knows.
Let me say I am here,
1. By God’s appointment,
2. In His keeping,
3. Under His training,
4. For His time.”
-Andrew Murray
RESTing in the midst of difficult seasons is not easy for me. Typically these seasons are filled with anxiety, confusion, frustration, and gloom. I ask “why” and rarely find an answer. I try to run away, but rarely is that possible. I attempt to bury my head in the sand as if “hiding” is going to make the pain go away.
It isn’t until I turn my eyes to the One who brought me (or allowed me to be) here, that I find REST. He is the only One that can truly turn my anxiety to peace…confusion to clarity…frustration to serenity…gloom to joy. It is only through His love and grace that I can survive these trials in obedience, knowing that I will come out understanding a little bit more deeply what it means to REST in the midst of suffering. As I reflect on this now, I feel a sense of great peace knowing that my Daddy brings me into these difficult seasons only out of love for His little girl AND that He will always bring me out more mature and complete…and more in love with Him, which I’m guessing is exactly what a Daddy wants from His little girl.
So now I crawl up into His lap, tired and weary, lay my head on His chest, feeling His strong heartbeat full of love for me, and ask Him to help me be obedient in the midst of this season where I want to throw in the towel and say, “I’m done”.
“God will always make a way for His tired, yet trusting, children, even if He must split the sea to do it.”
-From a book called, “The Red Sea Rules”
Monday, March 28, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Breathe
3.19.11
“I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.”
“Breathe” by Anberlin
This song has a lot of memories.
I remember a time when the tears would often uncontrollably roll down my cheeks while I listened to these words, so badly desiring to breathe again. This was a stormy season in which I felt my spirit being stifled and my world rocked, the wind knocked out of me over and over again. During my jogs, I would cry out, “Lord, I want to breathe again! I want to feel alive again! Revive my spirit. Help me out of this pit of despair!” I couldn’t wait for the day when I could sing these words and truly mean it.
That day finally came, and the freedom that accompanied it was unbelievable.
A couple of weeks ago, I was running to this song, and I was brought back to that time. God taught me a lot about Himself, myself, and others during that most difficult season, but it certainly wasn’t fun in the midst of gasping for breath. Sometimes when I am presented with a decision of “right or wrong” (or I think there is a right or wrong – because sometimes there is no right or wrong), I feel breathless…no REST…just panting, wheezing, and desperate for fresh air. My mind races with possible outcomes…with potential consequences, good or bad…with the fear of displeasing my Father…with the fear of making the wrong decision! Frantic.
Last week, I got a glimpse of freedom…a hint of RESTful breathing. I decided I wanted to skip class…a very similar story to a few months ago, however, this time, there was very little turmoil with my decision. There were certainly instances throughout the day that I felt as if I had made the wrong decision, but this experience was a step toward freedom…a step toward understanding how to REST my mind. I’m not exactly sure how this happened, but I wonder if it just comes with time, practice, and prayer, of course. I’m sure God will give me plenty more opportunities this year to make choices like this, and I can only hope and pray that I will continue to grow in RESTful confidence in decision-making.
I don’t think there will ever be a day here on this earth that I will be completely free to REST fully, but I believe God will honor my efforts, and one day I will be able to quote Anberlin’s lyrics and truly mean them again.
For now, I will celebrate a glimpse of RESTful breathing, and continue in this journey of learning how to REST.
“I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.”
“Breathe” by Anberlin
This song has a lot of memories.
I remember a time when the tears would often uncontrollably roll down my cheeks while I listened to these words, so badly desiring to breathe again. This was a stormy season in which I felt my spirit being stifled and my world rocked, the wind knocked out of me over and over again. During my jogs, I would cry out, “Lord, I want to breathe again! I want to feel alive again! Revive my spirit. Help me out of this pit of despair!” I couldn’t wait for the day when I could sing these words and truly mean it.
That day finally came, and the freedom that accompanied it was unbelievable.
A couple of weeks ago, I was running to this song, and I was brought back to that time. God taught me a lot about Himself, myself, and others during that most difficult season, but it certainly wasn’t fun in the midst of gasping for breath. Sometimes when I am presented with a decision of “right or wrong” (or I think there is a right or wrong – because sometimes there is no right or wrong), I feel breathless…no REST…just panting, wheezing, and desperate for fresh air. My mind races with possible outcomes…with potential consequences, good or bad…with the fear of displeasing my Father…with the fear of making the wrong decision! Frantic.
Last week, I got a glimpse of freedom…a hint of RESTful breathing. I decided I wanted to skip class…a very similar story to a few months ago, however, this time, there was very little turmoil with my decision. There were certainly instances throughout the day that I felt as if I had made the wrong decision, but this experience was a step toward freedom…a step toward understanding how to REST my mind. I’m not exactly sure how this happened, but I wonder if it just comes with time, practice, and prayer, of course. I’m sure God will give me plenty more opportunities this year to make choices like this, and I can only hope and pray that I will continue to grow in RESTful confidence in decision-making.
I don’t think there will ever be a day here on this earth that I will be completely free to REST fully, but I believe God will honor my efforts, and one day I will be able to quote Anberlin’s lyrics and truly mean them again.
For now, I will celebrate a glimpse of RESTful breathing, and continue in this journey of learning how to REST.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Too Restless to Listen
3.12.11
“It just so happens” that God knows that music speaks to my heart.
The other night, I was saying goodbye to some people I love in a parking lot after a meeting, and as I was putting my car into drive, my friend held up his pointer finger signaling “wait!” I put my foot on the brake, rolled down my window, and waited for him to approach my car. He was very excited about sharing a cd with me, and eagerly said, “Listen to #5”.
A couple days later, I popped the cd into my laptop, and selected track #5, which “just so happened” to be called “RESTless”.
“You dwell in the songs that we are singing
Rising to the Heavens
Rising to Your heart
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between our frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart
And I am restless
I’m restless
'Til I rest in You
‘Till I rest in You
(Oh God I wanna rest in You)
Oh speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me
Whisper in the dark
'Cause I know You’re more than my salvation
Without You I am hopeless
Tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart
And I am restless
I’m restless
'Til I rest in You
‘Till I rest in You
Oh God I wanna rest in You
Still my heart
Hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow
Let it rise
Into a shout
Into a cry
And I am restless
I’m restless
'Til I rest in You
'Till I rest in You
Oh God let me rest in You”
Luke had no idea that God has asked me to learn about REST in 2011. BUT God knew that He could use an ordinary person in my life to pass on a song that would speak to me.
I want to REST in You, Lord. Let me REST in You.
It seems that part of REST requires listening. Part of listening requires silence aka “not talking”.
God “just so happened” to use another ordinary person to speak to me a few days before I received these telling lyrics. It all started when I began explaining to Jeff how difficult the past 2 hours had been for me. Since October of 2008, I have been spending time with some wonderful people who have HIV/AIDS. There are two guys that have been at the house all along, but periodically there are new individuals that come to live there. This particular day, there was a new gentleman who was extremely talkative. I am not joking when I say that he talked for 2 hours straight. I couldn’t get a word in, which is pretty atypical for me. By the end of the night, I was completely worn out. After I told Jeff about the experience, he said that had happened to him once, and in the midst of the homeless man’s never-ending story, Jeff felt the Holy Spirit gently nudging him saying, “Look in the mirror”. Instantly, I knew that God was saying the same thing to me.
I love to pray BUT I love to talk. My prayer life is full of thanking, praising, petitioning, intercession, but rarely if ever, do I listen for that still small voice.
“It just so happens” that Lent was right around the corner of these interactions. I had been asking God to show me what He wanted me to do for these upcoming 40 days. He showed me. He wants me to listen, so I can REST in Him. So I have decided to fast for a meal once a week and spend that time in silence, listening for that still small voice. That may seem like peanuts to some, but for me, it’s a small step in the right direction of learning what it means to REST.
God, I want to REST in You. Help me to listen. Help me to hear You.
“It just so happens” that God knows that music speaks to my heart.
The other night, I was saying goodbye to some people I love in a parking lot after a meeting, and as I was putting my car into drive, my friend held up his pointer finger signaling “wait!” I put my foot on the brake, rolled down my window, and waited for him to approach my car. He was very excited about sharing a cd with me, and eagerly said, “Listen to #5”.
A couple days later, I popped the cd into my laptop, and selected track #5, which “just so happened” to be called “RESTless”.
“You dwell in the songs that we are singing
Rising to the Heavens
Rising to Your heart
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between our frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart
And I am restless
I’m restless
'Til I rest in You
‘Till I rest in You
(Oh God I wanna rest in You)
Oh speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me
Whisper in the dark
'Cause I know You’re more than my salvation
Without You I am hopeless
Tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart
And I am restless
I’m restless
'Til I rest in You
‘Till I rest in You
Oh God I wanna rest in You
Still my heart
Hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow
Let it rise
Into a shout
Into a cry
And I am restless
I’m restless
'Til I rest in You
'Till I rest in You
Oh God let me rest in You”
Luke had no idea that God has asked me to learn about REST in 2011. BUT God knew that He could use an ordinary person in my life to pass on a song that would speak to me.
I want to REST in You, Lord. Let me REST in You.
It seems that part of REST requires listening. Part of listening requires silence aka “not talking”.
God “just so happened” to use another ordinary person to speak to me a few days before I received these telling lyrics. It all started when I began explaining to Jeff how difficult the past 2 hours had been for me. Since October of 2008, I have been spending time with some wonderful people who have HIV/AIDS. There are two guys that have been at the house all along, but periodically there are new individuals that come to live there. This particular day, there was a new gentleman who was extremely talkative. I am not joking when I say that he talked for 2 hours straight. I couldn’t get a word in, which is pretty atypical for me. By the end of the night, I was completely worn out. After I told Jeff about the experience, he said that had happened to him once, and in the midst of the homeless man’s never-ending story, Jeff felt the Holy Spirit gently nudging him saying, “Look in the mirror”. Instantly, I knew that God was saying the same thing to me.
I love to pray BUT I love to talk. My prayer life is full of thanking, praising, petitioning, intercession, but rarely if ever, do I listen for that still small voice.
“It just so happens” that Lent was right around the corner of these interactions. I had been asking God to show me what He wanted me to do for these upcoming 40 days. He showed me. He wants me to listen, so I can REST in Him. So I have decided to fast for a meal once a week and spend that time in silence, listening for that still small voice. That may seem like peanuts to some, but for me, it’s a small step in the right direction of learning what it means to REST.
God, I want to REST in You. Help me to listen. Help me to hear You.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Crowns and Gold Metals
I used to be the queen of passive-aggressive behavior. I could have won a gold metal if there were prizes given for Best Passive-Aggressivist.
This behavior brought many challenges, but one of the most difficult for me was functioning in the presence of an individual whom I was upset or angry with. I would sulk in my own corner as far away from the person as possible, and if he would approach me, I would either refuse to talk or spout off unkind, sarcastic comments. I needed to show him that he hurt me. My sadness and/or anger would consume me, and I would shut down.
Shutting down was a key characteristic of this period in my life. There was absolutely no REST in my passive-aggressive behavior.
Several years ago, God sent a friend full of grace and mercy to challenge me in this unhealthy behavior. Not only did he help me identify it, but he also supported me through the pain of change.
Today I can say that I have given my crown and gold metal away, and have grown tremendously in my conflict resolution skills. Of course, there are still times I find myself going back to that default coping mechanism, but overall, I feel free.
Throughout these past few years, I have learned to function pretty well in most situations, including those in which I am uncomfortable or uncertain. In the moment, I find REST in God’s loving grace. In the moment, I am typically able to be myself even if there is tension or confusion. What I continue to struggle with, however, is finding REST in the moments before and/or after an uncomfortable or uncertain situation.
Thank you, Jesus, for taking my crown and gold metal. Thank you in advance for providing me with REST in the moments before and/or after uncomfortable or uncertain situations.
Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you…The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:13 – 14
This behavior brought many challenges, but one of the most difficult for me was functioning in the presence of an individual whom I was upset or angry with. I would sulk in my own corner as far away from the person as possible, and if he would approach me, I would either refuse to talk or spout off unkind, sarcastic comments. I needed to show him that he hurt me. My sadness and/or anger would consume me, and I would shut down.
Shutting down was a key characteristic of this period in my life. There was absolutely no REST in my passive-aggressive behavior.
Several years ago, God sent a friend full of grace and mercy to challenge me in this unhealthy behavior. Not only did he help me identify it, but he also supported me through the pain of change.
Today I can say that I have given my crown and gold metal away, and have grown tremendously in my conflict resolution skills. Of course, there are still times I find myself going back to that default coping mechanism, but overall, I feel free.
Throughout these past few years, I have learned to function pretty well in most situations, including those in which I am uncomfortable or uncertain. In the moment, I find REST in God’s loving grace. In the moment, I am typically able to be myself even if there is tension or confusion. What I continue to struggle with, however, is finding REST in the moments before and/or after an uncomfortable or uncertain situation.
Thank you, Jesus, for taking my crown and gold metal. Thank you in advance for providing me with REST in the moments before and/or after uncomfortable or uncertain situations.
Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you…The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:13 – 14
Not Yet
2.28.11
I’m convinced that God has 3 answers to my prayers, and yours too.
Yes.
No.
Wait.
For a while, I was in the waiting period. Then, out of the blue, completely unexpected, His answer was YES! I should have been super excited, right? Well, instead of RESTing in His YES, and saying “Thank you”, I contemplated taking the prayer request back (even though I knew I couldn’t because as I said, He had just answered it with a big, fat YES).
Why was my reaction lacking REST? Especially when I was receiving something I had desired for a long time?
CHANGE.
I think I struggle to REST, to find God’s peace, in the midst of change and transition. I was going along in life with my agenda, flowing smoothly, allowing God to control some parts of my life, of course, but when this YES came, it meant CHANGE in another part of my life. Good CHANGE, but still an adjustment I just didn’t know if I was ready for yet. It was something I wanted, but maybe not yet. I kind of like my routine. It’s comfortable. There isn’t much risk. I’m in control.
Not yet.
I have a feeling that God knows that “not yet” could hold me back from the great plans He has for my life. Fortunately, He has equipped a few of my favorites with the gift of encouragement, the ability to ground me when I feel RESTless and uncertain, and the wisdom to challenge me in my “not yets”. Thank You, Daddy, and thank You for working through my favorites.
MY GOAL - Learn how to REST in the YESes, Nos, and Waits.
I’m convinced that God has 3 answers to my prayers, and yours too.
Yes.
No.
Wait.
For a while, I was in the waiting period. Then, out of the blue, completely unexpected, His answer was YES! I should have been super excited, right? Well, instead of RESTing in His YES, and saying “Thank you”, I contemplated taking the prayer request back (even though I knew I couldn’t because as I said, He had just answered it with a big, fat YES).
Why was my reaction lacking REST? Especially when I was receiving something I had desired for a long time?
CHANGE.
I think I struggle to REST, to find God’s peace, in the midst of change and transition. I was going along in life with my agenda, flowing smoothly, allowing God to control some parts of my life, of course, but when this YES came, it meant CHANGE in another part of my life. Good CHANGE, but still an adjustment I just didn’t know if I was ready for yet. It was something I wanted, but maybe not yet. I kind of like my routine. It’s comfortable. There isn’t much risk. I’m in control.
Not yet.
I have a feeling that God knows that “not yet” could hold me back from the great plans He has for my life. Fortunately, He has equipped a few of my favorites with the gift of encouragement, the ability to ground me when I feel RESTless and uncertain, and the wisdom to challenge me in my “not yets”. Thank You, Daddy, and thank You for working through my favorites.
MY GOAL - Learn how to REST in the YESes, Nos, and Waits.
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