Breathe

3.19.11

“I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.”

“Breathe” by Anberlin


This song has a lot of memories.

I remember a time when the tears would often uncontrollably roll down my cheeks while I listened to these words, so badly desiring to breathe again. This was a stormy season in which I felt my spirit being stifled and my world rocked, the wind knocked out of me over and over again. During my jogs, I would cry out, “Lord, I want to breathe again! I want to feel alive again! Revive my spirit. Help me out of this pit of despair!” I couldn’t wait for the day when I could sing these words and truly mean it.

That day finally came, and the freedom that accompanied it was unbelievable.

A couple of weeks ago, I was running to this song, and I was brought back to that time. God taught me a lot about Himself, myself, and others during that most difficult season, but it certainly wasn’t fun in the midst of gasping for breath. Sometimes when I am presented with a decision of “right or wrong” (or I think there is a right or wrong – because sometimes there is no right or wrong), I feel breathless…no REST…just panting, wheezing, and desperate for fresh air. My mind races with possible outcomes…with potential consequences, good or bad…with the fear of displeasing my Father…with the fear of making the wrong decision! Frantic.

Last week, I got a glimpse of freedom…a hint of RESTful breathing. I decided I wanted to skip class…a very similar story to a few months ago, however, this time, there was very little turmoil with my decision. There were certainly instances throughout the day that I felt as if I had made the wrong decision, but this experience was a step toward freedom…a step toward understanding how to REST my mind. I’m not exactly sure how this happened, but I wonder if it just comes with time, practice, and prayer, of course. I’m sure God will give me plenty more opportunities this year to make choices like this, and I can only hope and pray that I will continue to grow in RESTful confidence in decision-making.

I don’t think there will ever be a day here on this earth that I will be completely free to REST fully, but I believe God will honor my efforts, and one day I will be able to quote Anberlin’s lyrics and truly mean them again.

For now, I will celebrate a glimpse of RESTful breathing, and continue in this journey of learning how to REST.